The Lord has been stirring something interesting in my heart lately. The past few weeks have been somewhat of a spiritual struggle for me as I’ve become increasingly tired and uncomfortable in the late stages of pregnancy and I’ve found that my capacity of what I can actually accomplish in a day is dwindling. It’s all very normal for where I am, I’m just not used to being completely wiped out by a trip to the grocery store!
With that being said, reflecting on ministry opportunities and how I am being intentional with my time can be somewhat frustrating as well. Because I have been accustomed to living a very public ministry life for the past few years, these quieter, more under-the-radar roles the Lord has led me into for this season often leave me questioning if I am actually making the difference in the Kingdom that I should be. I mean, nobody wants to hear about social media statistics or see photos of me doing blog research. I’m not going to broadcast my discipleship and accountability commitments. Much of the ministry I have been led into at this point is private, intercessional, and everyday. Not exciting. Quiet.
The struggle comes when the enemy tries to tell me that these things aren’t enough- that it isn’t worth being faithful in them- that I should have something to show, to flaunt, to prove that I am doing His work. Numbers or photos or page views or likes! When I see the public efforts of others, I am often discouraged and come down hard on myself, especially in regards to the physical demands of pregnancy and how it has effected the ministry I can be involved in at this point. However, I believe that these thoughts grieve the heart of the Father, who has placed these ministry positions before me, knowing that they are where I can best serve the Kingdom during this time.
As I have been meditating on this, the Lord has brought me back to the attitudes of the Pharisees. While the Pharisees performed many righteous acts of charity and tried to live their lives by the letter of the law, it was their insatiable need for public recognition for their deeds that so disgusted Jesus in His days of ministry. What a contrast to the ministry of Christ, who heals a man and tells him to tell no one! There is no flaunting, no public declaration- the ministry of love simply flowed out of Jesus daily, and He lived in obedience and grace. How I long for my heart to be like His- built out of love for His people, and a desire for the Kingdom- nothing more.
So today, I want to repent of my Pharasaical attitude that desires recognition- or at least, to do something that I tell myself is worth recognizing. I want to repent of my desire for excitement, for public display, for notoriety. Instead, I want to surrender, and embrace the beauty of the quiet and intimate life of ministry that the Lord has called me into for this season. I want to fashion a heart that longs to see the Kingdom be built and the Father be worshipped, by no publicized effort of my own. I don’t want to associate public opinion or recognition with how the Father has called me to work.
The Lord has placed me in positions of ministry that I can serve in faithfully during this (physically) challenging time in my life, and I am so thankful for His grace towards me in this way! I pray that my heart may be pure and confident in His will for me and for my family. Please, I covet your prayers during this time as well!